A HAND IN FRIENDSHIP

By Joy Pincus

The following article was published in the City Lights section of the Jerusalem Post on pages 14-15, Friday, May 23, 2003.

THIS year, some 70 kids who might otherwise have found themselves delinquent, on the streets or removed from their families and in foster care, are instead traveling each day after school to Friendship's Way, one of Jaffa's most important treasures.

Friendship's Way is a sanctuary for children at risk and a ray of hope for Jewish-Arab coexistence in Israel.  With a diverse after-school program as well as a “Shiluv” (Integration) series for Arab children who attend Hebrew schools,   Friendship's Way offers a safe and warm haven in which troubled kids can develop a sense of self-respect and hope for the future.

Many of these kids come from families struggling with drugs, violence, or mental and emotional problems, and Friendship's Way often becomes a bedrock of support, not only to the children, but to the whole family.  By working with the schools and the parents, Friendship's Way helps to fill an important gap and allows the families to remain together while they work out their problems.

THIS is how it works:  The children, ages 5-14, are brought to Friendship's Way after a regular day at school, where they receive a meal and a full afternoon of activity.  The staff is trained to deal with their special needs, and they do all they can to bring decency and dignity into the children's lives. 

“We don’t want them to feel that they are poor children,” explains Beth Martin, assistant director and 12-year veteran of Friendship's Way.  “We always try to give them the best - the sense that they’re worth something.”

For that reason, the daily meal is served on tables covered with tablecloths, and china dishes and silverware are used, rather than paper and plastic.  Everyone washes their hands before each meal, and the children are trained to ask for things politely, to say "please" and "thank you" and to clear the tables before going to the next activity.   This is just one small example of how discipline is instilled. 

Explains Martin, “These kids come from families where there are no limits and no boundaries.  They do whatever they want, whenever they want, however they want. But kids want boundaries and here they have them."

As if to prove her right, some of the most problematic children delight in coming to Friendship's Way, even though they know that the staff is going to tell them how to behave, what, how and when to eat, and even when to do their homework.  Emphasizes Martin, "A lot of it is teaching children to take responsibility." 

THE issue of violence is taken very seriously.  A child enters Friendship's Way feeling safe in the knowledge that here, no one is going to attack him, either physically or verbally.  This also helps build self-confidence, says Martin, and helps teach children that you can work through problems and conflicts with others in peaceful ways.

ONE of the major goals of Friendship's Way is to prove that coexistence can succeed.

In recognition of its successes, the project was recently awarded the 'Speaker of the Knesset Prize for the Quality of Life'  and commended for having improved the living conditions of Jewish and Arab children in Jaffa, fostered Jewish-Arab relations, and educated generations of children in the values of equality and friendship.

Friendship’s Way is not the only after school center in Jaffa, but it is the only one, according to Martin, in all of Israel, where Jewish-Arab coexistence is a central goal.  At Friendship's Way everything is written in both Hebrew and Arabic, the staff is mixed, and Christian, Moslem and Jewish holidays are equally celebrated.  

“We don’t talk about coexistence," explains Martin.  "It’s more that we're living coexistence.  We do it in a natural way - developing relationships through playing together and studying together and eating together.  We just happen to be Jewish and Arab.  We don’t ignore the differences; we try to celebrate the differences."

This year there was a large increase in the number of applications by Jewish children, especially surprising in light of the fact that the relationship between Jews and Arabs is particularly low in Jaffa, where a local resident was known to have aided a terrorist. 

According to Motty Golan, the founder and director of Friendship's Way, this increase is extremely significant:  

“When we started, people everywhere told us, 'You won't succeed.  No one will send children to a place that is half and half Jewish and Arab.  The children will be afraid; they won’t like it.'  But that's never happened.

And this year, we've received more applications every day.  What it means is that all they myths about hatred between Jews and Arabs isn't true.  We can live together."

THE origins of Friendship's Way go back to 1983 when Golan, then an activist for coexistence, got fed up with just talking about it, and came to Jaffa looking for action. 

He asked the principal of a local school to recommend a student he might tutor once or twice a week.

“At that time it wasn't very common for Jewish people to come to Arab homes in Jaffa," recalls Golan, laughing.  "I remember I used to come to my student's house, and his friend stood outside, yelling, 'Ahmad, the Jewish man is here!'”

Golan became almost as close as a member of the family, helping with medical advice and in the renovation of their home, as well as with tutoring.  As trust built, so did the number of students, and before long, one child had become many, with 10 additional volunteers meeting to teach after school.

In 1985, as a reward for their success, the school principal assigned them a classroom in the afternoon where they could work, and with this temporary new home, the team set their minds to finding a permanent place.  With only one major financial supporter, the New Israel Fund, Golan and his crew decided to open a gardening business that would earn the necessary funds to buy a center. 

For two years they worked hard at their business, and by 1987, had saved enough money to buy the building where Friendship's Way currently stands.

OVER the years, many children have come through the doors and had their lives greatly enriched by Friendship's Way. 

Some of their stories are heart-wrenching, and many are testaments to the incredible dedication and devotion of the staff.  

There was, for example, the first grade Arab boy who was very introverted, couldn’t speak Hebrew, and was barely able to read or write when he first arrived.  Drugs and violence were not unknown in his home, and his mother was mentally retarded.

Although from the moment he came to Friendship's Way he began to improve,  his school still decided that he should be transferred to a school for retarded children.  Golan, convinced that this was wrong and determined to offer this boy a chance, searched throughout Jaffa for his father, a drug addict living on the streets. 

When he finally found him, he managed to convince him to sign over a power of attorney that would allow Friendship's Way to petition the school’s decision. 

He and Martin then went to the city council and showed evidence of the child's improvement.  The judging committee ruled that that the child could stay in his school and repeat first grade as long as he continued on at Friendship's Way. 

He was placed in foster care, and for the next five years continued to flourish under the attention he received.  “The school, of course, was very angry with us," Martin recollects, "because we had their decision overturned.  But one teacher told us that afterwards, in every meeting they had about our children, someone would say, ‘Wait a minute.  These children are in Friendship's Way. Let’s think twice about what we decide.’  We’re like a watchdog; a guard who protects the child’s rights.”

DESPITE their many years of proven success, Friendship's Way still finds funding to be a major problem.  Understaffed and relying a great deal on volunteers, those involved would like to do so much more.  They find themselves helpless and unable to help as much as they wish, in light of their financial situation. Many of their current grants will end next year and finding new ones could prove very difficult.

"We emphasize coexistence," explains Martin, "and that’s lost a lot of its popularity these days.  People are very pessimistic and angry at the Arab population, and they don’t want to support Jewish – Arab coexistence.  On the other hand, in Europe for example, a lot of left-leaning foundations no longer want to support Israel at all."

For those inspired to lend a hand, there are many ways to help. 

One of the cornerstones of Friendship's Way is its volunteers, amongst whom are some 15 army officers and soldiers who leave their base once a week to spend time with the children. 

One officer recalls a moment at last year's closing party, when an Arab father came to him with tears in his eyes and said, ‘Thank you so much for helping my son.’  This showed  how the special ideals of Friendship's Way causes a melting of barriers between people.  More volunteers are always needed, whether to help kids with their homework or just to play with them.  Volunteers with a particular skill and some experience with educating children can be a great asset too.  For example, there is a photographic dark room that sits unused, since there are no funds to pay a photography teacher. 

There are many ways to become involved, as volunteer Herman Benjamin, a professional dance teacher, who led a dance class last year, has found.  The lawyer for Friendship's Way volunteers his services, as does the bookkeeper.

Donations are of course welcome, whether to purchase schoolbooks for the children, provide scholarships or sponsor holiday activities,  as well as helping towards providing greater needs, such as buying equipment or a new school bus. 

WHAT does the future hold for Friendship's Way?

Says Martin, “One of the dreams I have for Friendship's Way is to create a treatment center where we would be able to provide services on a number of levels: psychological and emotional evaluations, treatments and remedial education for children who need it.  We usually send children out for treatment to other services, but there are so many kids that need these evaluations and treatments and not enough resources in the community, that they have to wait months on a waiting list.”

And then there is the big dream: to become their own school.  By the time kids come to Friendship's Way, they carry the burden of the wear and tear of a day at school and the lack of the nurturing environment that Friendship's Way provides.  To have those kids all day would mean being able to have a much greater effect. 

Is it just a pipe dream?  Not according to Martin.  “I’ve learned here that with the desire to do something, you can make anything happen.  Friendship's Way literally started from nothing, and look at everything it has become!"

 

Friendship's Way is a tax deductible organization. For information on donating or becoming a Friendship's Way volunteer, phone Beth Martin at:  03 683-3238